Calling of the Abyss:

Haven’t posted on here in a while… Well I suppose now is a better time than never. This post provide insight into my unending struggle with nihilism and suicidal ideation.

Previously, I posted about the Loneliness Pandemic which I struggle with, along with many others in the world. Much like others, I isolate myself from the outside, locking myself in my apartment using video games, energy drinks and mindless videos as a sort of anesthetic to distract and numb me from the meaningless and wasted potential that is my life currently, especially within this decaying and rotting society.

When I was younger. I had two close friends who were actual meaningful connections. This was way back when I made the actual conscious decision go outside and hangout, because what else was there to do?

These days, everyone feels so disconnected from each other… Sure, you can meet a hundred people online from all over the world on social media or you could even try your luck at the dating apps but its all the same, truly I tell you there is no word more inflated than ‘friend’, its used so flippantly, maybe its just me but these days I feel connections are not nearly as strong as when I had friends when I was younger. Right now my friendships feel one-sided, transactional and empty? Is this what becoming an adult is? Or is it just simply that I am not as compatible as I think with others?

Often when I arrive home to my apartment I wonder why I keep going onwards?

My family? They have their own lives to worry about, I don’t have a partner or children, so nobody waiting for me at home.

Also why is it in this shitty world do I have to work a 9-5 for 40~ hours a week just to purely survive? What cruel bastard thought that was a good idea?

Why is it that I keep allowing myself to continue to wasting my potential and self sabotaging my ‘recovery’. I keep trying to say ‘I just need to get out more’ or I just need to ‘do these simple daily habits’ YET I KEEP SELF FUCKING SABOTAGING ALL THE TIME, I CANNOT TRUST MYSELF TO HAVE MY OWN BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. Maybes its just blind laziness or just lack of hope in myself?

This all begs the pinnacle of all questions, the one that many others struggle with and I am no exception its the question of why the fuck am I still alive?

What is it that compels me to remain in this world of suffering without purpose or meaning? This rotting society devoid of connection and community?

I don’t have an answer for it. I just don’t know why I keep getting out of bed on the morning, why I keep getting up every fucking morning to go to work. I just do so for the sake of doing it…

My introspection leads me to believe it could be my natural self preservation instincts that are too strong for me to truly follow through? Or maybe I am just simply comfortable in this misery?

No matter how many times I tell myself ‘it is what it is‘ or just ‘Yeah life is hard, deal with it.‘. what is suffering without MEANING and PURPOSE? At least the ‘Greatest Generation’ fought a World War to preserve the world order, at least that is a noble purpose to live and die for?

What of my generation? What glory does my generation get to overcome? What is the great struggle of our time needing to be overcome? Right now it only feels like the struggle is the struggle of the human condition and soul.

Sometimes… I do fantasize about dying whilst fighting for my own country, that would be a noble and purposeful cause right? Sure, id die for the country but at least I LIVED for something…right?

Yet no, I am condemned to struggle without purpose or meaning. What a senseless waste of existence. Condemned to wander aimlessly in pursuit of the purpose that alludes my sight so much.

Do I even have the right to feel like this?

I do exactly as society expects of me! I have my own home, I am not a freeloader. I pay my taxes and I claim no benefits, I have a good career and decent pay check. I have hobbies such as writing and doing IT projects (like this website) and I have built the gaming PC of my dreams.

Yet despite all that I have done and achieved I fucking feel empty all the time and tired of the never ending struggle…

I’ll leave you with this, I hope one day this will just a be a post that I can look back on one day and say that I overcame monotony and this abyss that has ripped open my soul. One day, I hope.

Until then, please be well everyone. I suppose I’ll keep moving forward for the time being. 💕